It's Saturday in Athens

It's Saturday in Athens

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Where the falling satellite SHOULD land

Rivalries and trash-talk are one thing that makes college football so wonderful. It can be a fun slap in the face to your hated opponents who are down, or it can be the the hot coffee spilt into your lap when you're already having a bad morning if your team falls short. I (most of the time) try to stay away from it on this blog, and focus on the things I love more than the things I hate..... BUT..... we are faced with a rare opportunity to exhibit our hope for a little help in our hatred of others, courtesy of NASA, circa: 1991

To set up this list, you first need to know that YOU ARE NOT SAFE at the moment. A 6 ton Satellite which has been spinning out of control for the better part of 2 decades is scheduled to come crashing down to earth sometime Friday, or Saturday, or even before.... And we have NO CLUE where the pieces (or the whole thing) will hit.

So why not use this opportunity to voice our desires as to where exactly we wish for this thing to land, and obliterate* the immediate surroundings.  (* and by obliterate, I mean while nobody is physically there, only major structural obliteration)......
Cheerleaders perform for the Georgia Tech crowd at Bobby Dodd
Click to enlarge to see all the fans!!

1. Bobby Dodd Stadium: Atlanta, Georgia
Home of the gnats, a giant piece of the satellite would be doing great justice by demolishing this piece of crap stadium which was recently outdone by Grady High School a couple miles away. Those people hate us, and by golly, we hate them just as much (we are just not as vocal and obsessed over it). How amazing would it be for the "Rambling Wreck" hunk of metal to be parked midfield while the satellite comes screaming down like a comet and destroys the entire lot. It would then be appropriate for the nerds to go play their home games at Grady High, so they can know what it feels like to play in front of a sellout. The atmosphere will also suite the High School level talent they host on a regular basis. And wouldn't it just plain be appropriate and ironic for a fanbase who likes to pretend all their football players go on to work for NASA, to have their stadium annihilated by the wrong-doings of.... NASA.

2. Ben Hill Griffin Stadium: Gainsville, Florida
Even though the Dawgs do not ever play here (ok, except for 1994), it still couldn't have a more appropriate nickname.... "The Swamp". In fact, I consider the entire town of Gainsville to be one giant swamp, minus the beautiful cypress trees, but crawling with people resembling Glenn and Mitchel, the famous brothers on Swamp People. A benefit of getting rid of this should-be condemned piece of land, would mean moving the Gators to their "other home field" in Jacksonville full time, meaning the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party would have to be moved to the Georgia Dome, or just a home and home like it should be.

3. Jordan-Hare Stadium: Metro Opelika, Alabama
By knocking this stadium into smithereens, the Auburn War-Tiger-Eagle-Plainsmen could officially stop trying to impersonate Sanford Stadium. In the new stadium they would have to build, they can bypass the eerily similar hedges surrounding their field, and perhaps come up with a fight song that doesn't sound so much like Glory, Glory.. also played in Sanford Stadium. The way things have been going on "the plains", perhaps "Jailhouse Rock" or a nice thugged out song by T.I. would be better suited. And while they are at it, don't put in glass which your Tiger-Bird might attempt to fly through.... (too soon?)

Nobody is here, because nobody likes being cooked alive

4. Williams Brice Stadium: Hell, South Carolina
Only because it's too damn hot there. I am pretty sure if we moved this series to Thanksgiving weekend, they would set the kickoff time for noon, and the temperature would still be 113 degrees. May they build their new stadium with a roof and a thermostat. 

5. Neyland Stadium: Knoxville, Tennessee
I really do not hate Neyland Stadium. I just don't like it nearly as much as I used to. All the satellite needs to do, is knock out the eastern side of the grandstands, to re-create the beautiful view of the Tennessee River, which they wanted to cover up for some reason.

6. The Horseshoe: Columbus, Ohio
Mainly just so they can have something else to blame on the SEC.

Leave the cowbells to the pros, MSU
7. Davis Wade Stadium: Starkville, MS
There really is no need to hate this place, but the hope here is that the impact will cause every cowbell within 100 square miles to immediately malfunction beyond repair. Build a new stadium that holds a SEC-like 70 or 80 thousand, and beat a SEC team regularly other than Ole' Miss in order to fill it, so you can stop crying because your fans cannot generate as much noise as the rest of the SEC, trying to justify your bells.

8. Pro-Player/Landshark/Dolphin/Sun Life Stadium: Miami Gardens, Florida
Because it will take nothing short of a falling satellite to take the attention off Nevin Shapiro at "The U"

9. Kyle Field: College Station, Texas & Faurot Field: Columbia, Missouri
By landing on both of these places, it will render Texas A&M and Mi(zz?)ou football-stadium-less, and should automatically disqualify them as suitable additions to the SEC, and we can continue to keep the SOUTHeastern Conference a "Southern thang".

Jesus is actually showing the satellite where to land
10. Notre Dame Stadium: South Bend, Indiana
By falling here, there is a good chance the fans and alumni of the Irish will stop feeling like they have the "luck o' the Irish" on their side.... since they are indeed in Illinois, United States... not in... well... Ireland. And in a related effect, the holier than though attitude might go away since we could just as easily claim that Jesus pointed the satellite at them, as much as they claim Jesus wants them to win on Saturdays.

Your Turn: 
Where would you like to see this rabid satellite land in order to drastically improve the landscape of college football?? 


  1. Good list, but I think we have to add one more:

    Texas Memorial Stadium, Austin, TX - If the Longhorns weren't so self-absorbed, we wouldn't have the conference realignment discussion distracting from the best regular season in sports. Also, since they think Austin is the center of the universe, the satellite would have to be immeditately attracted to this 8th Wonder of the World. Maybe this would be the only thing that would derail the WWL and the Longhorn Network.